Teen Mom 2 Reunion Recap: C's (Male) Perspective

Note: Read Lauren’s thoughts on the episode directly above this post or click here

The Teen Mom 2 Finale through the only pair of male eyes that watched

Hi, I’m Doctor Dope.  Welcome to the Teen Mom exploitation experience.  Throughout the next two hours, MTV will be using me to perform a true miracle as I simultaneously embarrass, exploit, and glorify four teenage mothers.  How can I do all of these things at once?  You’re about to find out!  Don’t worry though, every fifteen minutes I will remind America’s youth that two out of every three children born to teenage mothers turn into five-legged crack dealers.  Don’t forget to use a condom kids, or else you might end up famous like our guests here tonight!

I guess all reality series end with some form of therapeutic interview sessions of the characters.  Whatever.  But that’s the basic message I got from the opening segment of last night’s Teen Mom 2 finale.  I won’t lie, I actually watched a good amount of the season with Lauren and I was mildly entertained.  Considering that we spend more than a few nights watching do-or-die events such as “Celtics versus Bobcats,” I owed Teen Mom 2 a chance.  I’ll get to my Teen Mom Power Rankings at the end, but I would like to take this opportunity to recap the rest of last night’s finale.

MTV capped the reality portion with Leah and Corey’s wedding at Coonskin Park… Classic.  Anyway, Doc interviewed them first because they’re boring.  They seem like good parents, and they’re happily married.  This should have lasted five minutes since they were the most normal of the teen parents (despite being married at Coonskin Park).  Instead, Doc manufactured some drama by putting each of them on the spot about having second thoughts about their marriage and relationship.  Good job by Doc since, you know, it’s definitely not normal at all to hesitate about the direction of your life when you had twins by surprise and now you’re getting married at nineteen.  But what the hell… let’s throw those skeletons back on the table.  We do have two hours to fill. Don’t forget to go to mtv.com if you want to learn more about how to avoid becoming a famous reality star through teen pregnancy.

The show returns with a disclaimer, informing us that Jeffrey Dahmer, Osama Bin Laden, and Hitler were all born to teenage mothers.  Now Doc interviews Chelsea.  I feel bad for her.  She’s like any normal suburban teenager.  She’s lazy, indecisive, sheltered, and perhaps a little spoiled.  That would have described me, my friends, and 98% of suburban teenagers in America.  College and the real world fix all of those weaknesses.  Problem is, the rest of that 98% don’t have babies that force them to drop out of high school.  She never had any responsibility, and now she’s supposed to act like an adult mother.  Her baby daddy is a complete tool loser (the kind that always got girls in high school over me).  She won’t break up with him because she’s in high school so it’s in her DNA to go for D-bags.  Doc brings out the dude, Adam.  Here’s where Doc should crush Adam’s soul for wearing a flatbill hat and backwards sunglasses (we’re indoors bro).  Doc should destroy him for not paying rent and cheating on the mother of his child, and he should crush Chelsea’s pops for letting the kid stay at the house he pays for.  They all needed a dose of reality for getting punked by a skinny white kid with a flatbill hat.  Instead, Doc asks questions about everyone’s feelings while I throw up in my mouth a little.

Next up is Kailyn.  She has worse luck than the Chicago Cubs—ZAP!!!—err, I mean Jennifer Aniston.  She has no home, so she moves in with the boyfriend Jo and his parents.  Jo just wants to play video games and pop-a-shot all day because he’s seventeen.  It doesn’t work out, and they break up.  Baby daddy’s well-intentioned but overbearing mother invites Kailyn to stay because she doesn’t have a home, and because she thinks she can force them to stay together.  Jo’s pissed off because his ex-girlfriend lives in his house and shares everything with him.  He’s seventeen so he starts flipping out and cursing Kailyn out on every episode.  She starts dating another dude, and then everything hits the fan.  Kailyn has two jobs, files for custody of the kid, and moves out on her own as Jo berates her.  That’s her story.  Doc starts asking her questions about why she isn’t thankful toward Jo’s family for taking her in.  Did I miss something?  This girl has been royally effed over by life, and now she has a job and takes care of her baby.  She doesn’t owe anyone explanations.  In fact, she really shouldn’t have been on the show crying defending herself to Doc, baby daddy, and baby daddy’s mother.  The following events ensue: Jo starts calling her a liar and a whore, she starts crying and yells back, Doc tells them both to act like mature parents.  Umm, hack doctor, you brought two teenagers on stage to talk about their high school love life on national television.  You’re surprised about their behavior?  Oh right, you’re making lots of money for this.  Anyway, the segment ends with Kailyn and Jo’s mother promising to work together to raise the baby and hugging it out. Meanwhile, Jo kills himself.  We’ll be right back, but don’t forget that teen pregnancy is 99.9% preventable.  If you fall in the .1%, give us a call and you could be famous on the next season of Teen Mom.

The last guest is a dumb teenage mother named Jenelle and her basket case mother.  Jenelle is lazy, irresponsible, and unmotivated, even by teenager standards.  She’s been arrested, she’s moved in and out of her mother’s house, and she never takes care of her baby.  She is constantly screaming at her mother after she screws up her own life.  She doesn’t give a crap about anyone but herself.  Overall, she’s in really bad shape.  Oh yeah, and she’s a mom.  This segment was actually sad and hopeless.  By the end of the segment, we learn that the reason she doesn’t care about anyone but herself is that no one thinks she’s worth a damn.  Doc tries to bring her and her mother together.  He says to Jenelle’s mother, name three good things about your daughter.  She can’t think of any.  Doc asks, do you think Jenelle is lovable?  Mom says no.  And really, she’s right.  I can say that Jenelle is just wasting the Earth’s oxygen, but you can’t say that if you’re her mother.  At this point Doc is scrambled.  He is the conductor of a televised train wreck.  He quickly makes up some BS transition about how “at least they have a plan to move forward.”  He tosses to break, and then crushes a flask of Jack Daniels.

MTV concludes the show with the reality stars reciting some scripted BS about how difficult it is to be teenage mothers and how MTV is really opening people’s eyes.  Doc reminds everyone one more time to have sex safe, then they cut to a promo for “the most dramatic season of Teen Mom yet!”

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