The People No One Wants to be Friends With on Facebook

A lot of my job revolves around Facebook, so naturally I spend a lot of time on this site. Because of this, I’ve picked up on some patterns that I’d like to discuss in this forum. Many of my Facebook friends are wonderful, and I enjoy having their posts fill my feed. However, I’ve got a few friends who have to go. I don’t know if I’m bold enough to take the plunge and flat out defriend them. But I definitely need to hide their posts. That’s the cowardly thing to do, but it’s also the more socially acceptable thing to do. The kinds of friends I’m referring to are these types:

1.) Constant updaters: “I hate Mondays” “Just went to the gym” “Going to get some pizza and see a movie” ” Horrible Bosses was awesome” ” Who wants to meet for drinks?” “Home after a fun night. Time for bed”…OKAY WE GET IT! I understand that Facebook is for sharing information, but I do not need to see more than one or two updates a day (at the most) from you. It makes it very easy for stalkers, but for common people…not so appealing

2.) Gushers: The gooey ’90s snack=awesome. People who gush about their lives=not so awesome. I love hearing that my Facebook friends are doing well, and the occasional, well-placed post about the great things going on in your life is terrific and totally appropriate.

Acceptable gushers

But constant, sickeningly sweet posts about all the terrific and wonderful things you have achieved=nauseating. “I have the sweetest, most wonderful man ever.” “I have the most perfect life, thank you God!” “I am the luckiest person alive. WOOHOO!” These are all examples of gushers. Again, the occasional post expressing happiness and gratitude is wonderful. No hate there. But I have a few people on my feed who are posting non-stop about how wonderful and perfect their lives are. Which makes me think the following: If your live is so wonderful, perfect and amazing, why aren’t you out living it instead of posting on Facebook all the time? Maybe I’m just skeptical… But I am more of the belief that sharing some personal accomplishments is fine, but save some of it for yourself and keep it private. It’s more fun that way.

3.) Which brings me to the next category: Braggers. There are two people on my feed who I should probably set up because they would be a match made in braggart heaven. According to their posts, if you set these two up you would have the best looking, most talented, most accomplished couple ever. One person always posts about how she is constantly stopped by people complimenting her outfits and appearance. The other always posts about how much praise and thanks he receives at work, and how he is the youngest person to achieve so much success at his job. Really? REALLY? On his birthday, he posted “You should all thank my mother and father on this day.” He was not joking. I almost threw up and then defriended him, but his posts bring me some sick form of entertainment. Yes, you’re right. I should really thank your mother and father for creating you, the greatest gift the Lord has given the universe. Hallelujah. Um…no. Look.  We are not your mother. We are your friends. Or something like that. We are proud of you, but we don’t need to hear you bragging all the time. Come on now.

4.) Lastly we have complainers. Just like the Rolling Stones song, these people can’t get no satisfaction. Their job sucks. Their city is boring. 

They just KNOW that their project is not going to get done on time. They’re getting sick. They’re tired. They’re getting sick again. Their husband/boyfriend doesn’t help out enough. They’re stressed. They’re getting sick. They have too much to do and not enough time. You name it, they’ll complain it. No one likes a Negative Nancy.

Are you one of these types of Facebookers? If so, you might want to check yourself before you wreck yourself…or before you get defriended. Although I usually go for the more passive aggressive “hide posts” route. Either way. Throw me an inspirational quote, or a funny story and I’ll be your Facebook friend for your life. I’m easy to please.


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