Important Things I Learned During My Week Off

I’ve had a lot of downtime as I’ve been recovering from surgery. I’ve spent a lot of that time watching back to back (to back) episodes of The Sopranos, The Office and Sex and the City. And blogging. But I’ve also spent some time pondering things. Important things, you know? Here are some conclusions I’ve come to about surgery, YouTube and other matters:

1.) YouTube videos can’t be forced: For a week leading up to my surgery, I kept reminding my mother that she needed to use my iPhone to film me during the car ride home after my operation. I was convinced that my Percocet-induced babbling would be hilarious and would create the next “David After Dentist.”  I couldn’t wait to become a YouTube sensation. Unfortunately what ended up happening was the following: I had surgery. It hurt a lot. I got in a taxi after having surgery and felt every bump. Instead of babbling happily and saying amusing things such as, “Is this real life?” I said things such as, “JESUS CHRIST! OW!” and many swear words. It would not have been the most endearing YouTube video in the world. My “David After Dentist” moment did not happen. And I learned that great YouTube videos cannot be scripted or planned. Shame on me for trying.

2.) I am not Bradley Cooper:  This one is along the lines of the “David After Dentist” mistakeI saw the movie Limitless recently. In the film, Bradley Cooper takes a magical pill and unlocks all of his brain power as opposed to just the 20% (or whatever it is) that we use on a daily basis. I found this movie inspiring and I had high hopes for myself. I am not a drug user, so normally I would not be popping pills for brain power. However, when you go under the knife you have to take medicine. I really thought that while I was under the magical sedation drugs they give you, the portion of my brain that I don’t use would unlock itself and I would come up with an idea for the next Great American Novel. Somehow I would remember this idea even while I was unconscious during three hours of surgery. Minor details. Anyway, I would then write up this novel and become an important figure in American history. Much to my dismay, instead of brainstorming ideas for a great literary work, while under sedation I kept saying, ” I feel realllyyyy drunk” over and over. Nice, Self. Very nice.

3.) Operating rooms are actually like you see in movies/TV shows: Last time I had surgery they gave me the wonderful sedative I mentioned above as I was wheeled into the operating room. This drug made me fairly certain that the world was made of rainbow cakes and unicorn giggles and other magical things. This time things were different. I walked myself into the operating room. No drugs were involved. I was definitely aware of my surroundings. It was a little scary and a little creepy, but also kind of cool. The OR looked exactly like E.R., Grey’s Anatomy, etc. They had HUGE lights everywhere, people in blue scrubs, lots of sterile tools, and it was absolutely freezing. I definitely didn’t want to be hanging out there every day but…it was kind of cool to see in real life.

 4.) Choose your post-operation shows wisely: Before my surgery I went out and bought lots of TV shows on DVD to help pass the time. A great call, definitely. But here’s what was NOT a great call: buying a hilariously funny show such as The Office when I KNEW I was going to have very sore abs after my surgery. Every time Kevin spoke, Jim made a facial expression, or Creed offered up a one-liner, I was in a terrible battle between laughing and my hurting abs. Not a wise decision. I should have stuck with Sex and the City or The Sopranos. Still amusing, yet not usually as laugh out loud funny. Rookie mistake.

I have some time on my hands and still am accepting TV show/movie recommendations. Any great ones that I should catch up on? Boardwalk Empire looks promising.

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