I Have Big Plans for My Future Family

I may not want kids right now, but I already know what type of mom I’m going to be. I’ve decided that I want to be one of those moms who takes holidays very seriously. Like, goes balls to the walls with holidays. I want to be a fun, festive mom. Hey, it’s better than being like the lady I saw last time I was in New York City. This is no joke. This lady was running down Park Avenue in five inch Louboutins, chasing after her son screaming, “Christian! Share the cheddar bunnies with your sister!” Cheddar bunnies. When I was a kid we had goldfish crackers. They looked like this: 

We ate those quite a lot and (most of us) grew up just fine. As long as I don’t end up like that like that lady, I’m fine . I don’t trust women who wear fancy clothes and heels when they’re out running around with their kids. I also don’t trust anyone who buys “cheddar bunnies”. They are never necessary. I digress.

This may be a little much....

See, my dad is Jewish and my mom is Christian. We also have a small family. When you have a religiously mixed (and small) family, you tend to go easy on the decorations and holiday celebrations. No shame, just the way it is. This also meant that I didn’t have to go to temple or church, which I greatly appreciated as a youngster. On the other hand, my dad refused to let us put Christmas lights up outside the house because he was Jewish. We were allowed to put an electric menorah in the window, but that was the extent of the pimping out of our house that was allowed. This caused me lots of angst. To appease me, he allowed us to put up a plastic Christmas tree. This was not a great consolation prize because the damn thing was so huge and took so much effort to construct that it almost wasn’t worth it.

See, many kids rebel in a major way against their parents. I was a good kid, they will tell you. I came home on time. I didn’t do drugs. I didn’t have weird piercings. I got good grades. My only act of rebellion will come in the form of holidays. And by this I mean that I’m going to do holidays in a BIG WAY. I’ve decided that my Christmases will include Christmas lights outside the house (white ones only, colored ones remind me of Hooters even though I’ve never been to Hooters). Obviously we’ll have a tree. I’m not opposed to giving a fake one another shot, but it can’t be ridiculously hard to assemble. I’d also like to try a real one once. I’ve heard they’re messy. But it just seems so festive to go pick out your own tree. I watch too much TV, I know. I want lots of ornaments and tinsel and lights. We have to do Christmas cookies. Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” needs to play throughout the house during the entire month of December and maybe for part of January. We will also put the electric menorah in the window so both holidays are equally represented. I also want to take my kids with me to do some volunteer work. If my kids are spoiled brats I’m going to be seriously annoyed, so I’m going to instill some good values in them. We’ll go to a food pantry or another worthy organization. There will be no Kardashian children for me, thank you very much.

I’ve decided that I’ll take other holidays very seriously too. Halloween decorations will be a big thing. We’re going to be the house that hands out awesome candy, no toothbrushes or apples for us. We’ll throw a great Superbowl party, and have a fun and festive New Year’s Eve.

Do you have big plans for your future self? Or am I just crazy? Or maybe a little bit of both?

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  1. Heheh! We got a kick out of your blog post over here at Annie’s. I grew up on Annie’s Mac & Cheese, and now I work here, so there you go :D.

    • ljmlevine says:

      Knowing that the people at Annie’s read my blog post made my day! Christian and his high-heeled mom can keep their cheddar bunnies, but I NEED my Annie’s mac and cheese. So good. I have a stockpile in my apartment.


  1. […] know I said before that multi-colored lights are somewhat reminiscent of Hooters, but I think I’m embracing the […]

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