Gym Etiquette…It's a Thing

In life, there are certain unspoken and understood rules that people follow. For example, you stay to the right when you’re walking down the hall. Another example: you (should) stay in the right lane if you drive slowly and then allow others to pass you on the left. Another one? You always ask before taking the last piece of pizza or cake or other goody at a group dinner. And then you probably don’t take it even when everyone else says they want it. Or maybe you do, depending on your level of aggressiveness. These rules help regulate society and keep things comfortable. However, as soon as you step inside the gym it seems that all bets are off.

I belong to a gym that I don’t love but I don’t hate. I keep going because it’s never crowded, which I enjoy. However, the people who do go are older men with staring problems and other people who are unaware of gym etiquette. What is this gym etiquette I speak of? Behold:

1.) If I’m on a treadmill, do not take the treadmill directly next to me if there are other open machines. Though I’ve never used a urinal before, I’m told that this is the same procedure men observe when using urinals. A man shall not take a urinal directly next to another man unless there is no other choice. This is how it should be with treadmills. The reasons for this are the following: It just feels claustrophobic. Also, then we feel obligated to race. Oh, also you have to hear me panting and dying when I try to run because that’s my new thing and I suck at it. Lastly, I have to smell your sweaty feet and listen to your weird bodily tics such as constant coughing or singing to yourself. Give me my space and all shall remain right with the world.

2.) Don’t talk on your cell phone while you’re working out: I cannot understand the people who do this. They must be the same people who drive with headphones in. Why would you want to have a conversation on your phone while you’re working out? The phone gets all sweaty, you’re out of breath, and how can you be trying THAT hard if you’re able to catch up on your weekend plans. I need the poetic rhymes of Lil Wayne to get me through my workout, not your conversation with your sister.

3.) Wipe down your machine after you’re done: I know we’re all sweaty, but I don’t want my sweaty hands touching where your sweaty hands have been. Every person is in charge of his own grossness, and shall not have to touch others’ grossness.

4.) Stop grunting as you lift weights: We get it: you’re strong. Cool it.

Another thing: people who wear jeans to workout. Why?

This, my friends, is some simple gym etiquette that will make the world a better place. Do you have any gym rules that should be put into place at your own gym? Can we make these rules become law? One of the presidential candidates should probably incorporate this into his platform. This stuff is important, you know?


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