This Is What Online Dating Sites Should Actually Ask

Based on personal experience and what I’ve heard from friends, I think online dating sites have it all wrong when it comes to the questions they ask male daters.   There’s too much room for fibbing and hiding weird quirks and whatnot. Disclaimer: there are awesome people to be met online. But you have to sort through some real dipsy doodles to get there. Other disclaimer: I have no doubt that many lady online daters have issues too. But since I’m dating men, I’m speaking to the male population of daters. Also, this post is all in good fun. Based on completely non-scientific research, I’ve concluded that the following elements should be included on every online dating site questionnaire for men :

Here is a picture of your ex girlfriend. Would you like to talk about her?

The answer should always be no. I don’t care what the situation was, how friendly the breakup was, no one cares. Just believe me on that. I  once went on a date where I heard about every crappy thing that happened between this guy and his ex. Yes, he was indicating that they were very over, but it was clear he still had a lot of resentment. Like, a LOT of resentment. When the dinner was over I felt like I should charge the kid a co-pay for the combo dinner/therapy session. I still can’t figure out why people go on dates and then bring up their exes. I know guys do it, and I’ve had girl friends tell me they’ve done it too! The person you’re on a date with wants to hear about you and your hobbies and interests. They don’t really care about your ex. A brief mention if it’s absolutely relevant is okay, but then move on! Please!

Here is a picture of LeBron James. Please stand next to it and take a picture of yourself. This will allow me to assess whether you are actually 6’3″.

A 5’10” is a real life 5’6″ in many cases.  This seems to be a reoccurring theme for online daters in various cities, so I’m questioning whether guys who use online dating truly don’t know how tall 5’10” is, or whether they believe it’s okay to lie about their height. Does height matter that much? Not really. But let’s be honest, no girl wants to feel like a lady beast when she’s out on a date. If I would worry about stretching out your sweatshirt if I were to borrow it, this probably won’t work.

Suggest three potential topics of discussion that we can cover during our date.

Being attractive is great. There has to be some physical chemistry on a date, of course. But if you’re a snoozefest, it truly doesn’t matter if you look like Ryan Gosling. I never realized how many guys (can’t speak to the female population on this one) simply have nothing to say. They’re pleasant enough, but they just have no fire to them. Maybe they’re used to sitting there and looking pretty. When you’re dating, you should come armed with at least one or two interesting stories or topics to talk about. No one wants to feel like they’re doing a monologue during dinner.

Show me a picture of your children.

My friend recently went on three dates with a guy before she found out he has kids. Not okay. If you have kids, let the other person know ASAP! For some people it’s a dealbreaker ; other people won’t care. Either way, it’s important to be honest.

What is the difference between “your” and “you’re”?

As a writer, this one really gets me. When you’re doing online dating, the words you’re typing count. Even if you don’t consider yourself a words person, make sure to give the ole profile a once over before hitting “submit.” You want to appear well-educated and well-spoken.

Again, I know plenty of people who have gotten great relationships out of dating sites. But you have to be willing to do some scouting and detective work as you sign up.

Do you have any online dating horror stories or success stories? 

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  1. I certainly understand you wrote this from humor and do not disagree with your premise that online dating asks the wrong questions. Indeed one shouldn’t talk about their ex on a date. Perhaps the better question to ask is “How long ago was your last relationship?” may be a better way of fettering out lingering resentment.

    You contradict yourself when yourself when you say that height doesn’t matter and in the same sentence stress the importance of “no girl wants to feel like a lady beast”. Confidence is the ultimate attraction. If the date is your exact height would you wear flats or kitten heels on a date even if the kitten heels go better with the chosen outfit? Its best to understand ourselves & bias before looking into others.

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