There’s a notion that floats around the dating world about how nice guys finish last. Women love bad boys and jerks, apparently. I can honestly confirm that this is a lie, at least for me. But this also doesn’t mean that I’m searching for a doormat. You can’t be apologetic about your own presence. What (most) women actually want is someone who has a sense of purpose and self-worth. Women love self-confidence, but they want self-confidence right before it has to get its passport stamped because it crossed the border into arrogance.
To see these two extremes in action I present to you exhibit A: This past weekend I was at a bar with my best guy friend. He got up to go to the bathroom, and suddenly a good looking guy who I’d noticed when we walked in took that moment to slide in next to me and ask how my date was going (a bold move on his part, also good foreshadowing about who he was as a person). I laughed and told him how we were just friends, then he and I got to talking for a bit. This guy was a beautiful human. He was also totally arrogant. In between telling me about his ripped abs and his impressive salary, he also informed me that he’s juggling many girls on Tinder, and that they’re actually texting him as we speak. I wanted to say something to deflate his ego, but I kept noticing girls at the bar checking him out.
Look, I’m sure this guy does well with women. I’m also sure that he probably doesn’t have many quality, honest, low-key relationships. It would be hard to be in one with someone with an ego like that, and I think it would be difficult for him to attract a partner who’s down-to-earth.
On the other side of the spectrum we’ve got exhibit B, a guy I dated briefly a while ago. He was the nicest guy, really and truly, but he had NO confidence. Every day he would send me long text messages about how lucky he was to be with me. He second guessed every restaurant or activity he suggested. Some people might have found it sweet, but I found it completely unattractive. I want someone who appreciates me, but who’s comfortable in his own skin and knows what he likes.
For me, the right level of confidence is a non-negotiable when I’m dating. You’ve got to believe in your own worth, but at the first sign of an overdose I’m turned off.
I write/tweet a lot about my obsession with Jimmy Fallon, and I’ve realized that part of my love stems from his perfect level of confidence. That’s a dude who gets it. He’s charismatic, yet never gives off an “I love myself” vibe. You want to watch him play stupid games with Channing Tatum or have Blake Lively put pieces of tape on his face, but you don’t feel like he knows that everyone wants to watch this. It’s a unique blend, which is probably why he’s so successful.
If you’re dating, I’d say take an analytical look at your own confidence. How do you come across to other people? It has a huge impact on how you handle yourself on a date, so mastering the right level is an important first step.