My Memoir is Going to Be Called “Everyone I Know is Getting Married and I Woke Up in a Power Rangers Shirt”

Everyone I know is getting married. Every. single. person. Okay, not really, but sometimes it truly feels like I’m the only unattached person left on this planet. They’re going to have to put me on an endangered species list or something.

This past Saturday I went out and had a great time with a few of my friends. We convinced a group of guys that I was a dolphin trainer named Michelle who commutes to Tampa each weekend for work since Charlotte is pretttyyyy landlocked. We were really selling the story until I cracked and starting laughing. We played cornhole. We danced. It was awesome.

The next day I woke up and was lying in bed wearing a Power Rangers shirt, hoping and praying that somehow someone would show up at my door, bring me coffee and a bagel, and then leave. No talking. All of a sudden I noticed that I had FOUR Facebook friends who got engaged while I was busy using my limited knowledge of dolphins to charm strangers in a bar. Four. Overnight. Not only that, we had two baby announcements happen as well.

The contrast was startling. These people were joining together in holy matrimony and reproducing and I’m here thinking about morphin’ time and messing with strangers for my friends’ amusement. I know life isn’t a sprint it’s a marathon and such, but wow. I couldn’t help but feel like I had missed the starting gun.

I had actually started to feel that way at the bar a bit when I noticed many people were coupled up and/or wearing rings, but these life updates on Facebook solidified the concern. See, I have this mental block where I assume everyone in the room is the same age and marital status as me. We’re all 27 and we’re all single. I think maybe I’m so used to going to school, where you actually are the same age and typically do move through life stages at the same time as your classmates, that when I find out that everyone else around me has passed Go and collected $200 and a life partner I’m like, “Waitttt what!?”

Another observation: it’s hard to identify single people these days. Obviously if someone is married they have a ring, but other than that there’s a lot of gray area. So you see someone cute in the grocery store (which is where I hope to meet my husband someday) but how do you know he’s single? He doesn’t have a ring, but what if he has a long-time committed partnership with a former beauty queen and you’re over there trying to strike up a conversation about which hummus brand he prefers?

Should I ever decide to run for president (and at this point I can’t because I’ve Instagrammed way too many embarrassing things that would come out during debates), my platform would be that people should have to wear a color-coded diamond above their heads to classify their relationship status. Sort of like how the Sims had one that told you what their mood was like. That way you can quickly look across the bar and see if that cutie is single or not, without risking embarrassing yourself. It would help to make life much easier, don’t you think?

Ah, well, as the wonderful yet also highly flawed Carrie Bradshaw once said, “The fact is, sometimes it’s really hard to walk in a single woman’s shoes. That’s why we need special ones now and then to make the walk a little more fun.” This applies to men, too. Being single is challenging, and dating is a war zone. I stand in solidarity with everyone going through it.

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Comments

  1. Thank you… it’s funny how I instantly felt better after reading this article. It was a concrete reminder (not me trying to comfort myself lol) that I am not the only one. While wedding/babies seriously do feel like a fictional tale, it makes life easier knowing that being 26 & single isn’t abnormal 🙂

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