My Mom Would Honestly Be So Bad at Tinder

Why Mom Would Be Horrible at Online Dating

My parents have been married for nearly 35 years. As a couple they are straight up #relationshipgoals and I hope one day to find love like theirs. But because they’ve been together for so long and met so early in life (they were a freshman and a sophomore in college), my mother, who is the greatest and funniest person ever, has a highly amusing perspective on the dating world. I think this is true of many married people who never went through the process of trying to find your soulmate in a world that involves texting, Tinder, and about a thousand other variables that make the whole thing confusing. It’s sort of like if you were to bring someone from colonial times into the modern day and tried to get them to use a microwave or something.

For your amusement, I’m pleased to present to you some epic dating philosophies courtesy of Pam Levine, an absolute expert at marriage, a novice at online dating.

If the person is unattractive and doesn’t seem to have a good command over the English language yet has a cute dog, you should swipe right.

My mom once watched as I played on Tinder. “Why did you swipe left!? His dog was cute!” she exclaimed over and over. “Mom, did you SEE what he wrote in his profile? Did you SEE his neck tattoo?” I demanded. Despite these points, she still thought maybe I could have worked past these issues given the cuteness of the potential suitor’s dog.

If they post a picture with their grandma, it’s a done deal.

She got me sold on this kid who I knew in my heart of hearts was trouble (Taylor Swift voice), solely because his profile featured an irresistibly sweet shot of him spinning his grandma on a dance floor. Now he just looks at my Snapchats and never texts me. Cool. I bet Grandma Mimi would be appalled. If she knew what Snapchat was.

Playing hard to get isn’t a thing. If you exchange numbers with someone you should text them immediately.

Believe me, I’m not into playing games. I will gladly text first, and if I want to talk to someone I’m not afraid to send a message. However my mom is an events planner and likes to get things situated ASAP. And thank God for that or else my dad and I would wander aimlessly through life, trying on December 23rd to get a flight somewhere for Christmas two days later. However, these traits mean that she believes that when you first do the number swap with someone, you should immediately message that person and should probably inquire about plans for next week to lock the date in because things get busy. Come on, Ma, guys like the thrill of the chase a little bit.

When it comes to your ex, the answer is always no, regardless of the question.

My mom seems to have missed the rom coms where a couple breaks up, spends months or even years apart, then gets back together and has the wonderful, loving relationship they always hoped to enjoy. When it comes to exes, her answer is always “no, just move on to the next.” Honestly, on that I tend to agree. There was a reason you broke up, right?

I’m kind of jealous that my mom never had to go through dating in this era, with all of its weird rules and subtleties. At the same time, I don’t think 18-year-old Lauren could have been trusted to make a good choice when it came to selecting a future husband. I guess everything does work out for a reason and when it’s meant to be it’ll be and all that jazz that married people tell their frustrated single friends so we don’t lose hope and convince ourselves we’re all going to die alone with 300 cats.

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